<Ninteen45>: sigh

<Gargus>: I'll look.

<Ninteen45>: cool

<Gargus>: Erm… what exactly do you want critiqued?

<Gargus>: Because the wording is just fine, in my opinion.

<Gargus>: But the concept…

<Gargus>: Well, it's got the makings of a good SCP, but it doesn't feel like.

<Gargus>: *right

<Ninteen45>: The whole idea is it's a matrix like heaven.

<Gargus>: That, right there, could kill you.

<Gargus>: Where'd you get the idea.

<Ninteen45>: But something is off with the whole thing

<Ninteen45>: Dream.

<Gargus>: OK. Treading dangerous waters, but good.

<Ninteen45>: I deamt of I have no mouth/matrix crossover

<Ninteen45>: and changed my bedsheets

<Gargus>: Now. This whole thing is making me feel uneasy, but it's not because it's scary.

<Gargus>: I'm not feeling like I'm threatened, or scared, or paranoid.

<Ninteen45>: Here's the first take, btw

<Ninteen45>: http://serperaet.wikidot.com/aac

<Gargus>: You've got me feeling the right feelings, but you've got me feeling them for the wrong reason.

<Ninteen45>: I'm better at causing slight moods than pure fear

<Gargus>: What is meant to be behind that [DATA EXPUNGED}?

<Ninteen45>: They are implied to be trapped in an eternal torture chamber of their own free will, you figure it out.

<Gargus>: So, you don't know.

<Gargus>: You, as the author.

<Ninteen45>: It's suicidal, that's what I think.

<Gargus>: Hmm…

Gargus sucks in teeth.

<Gargus>: To start with, I'm all for some sort of big unknown force with shadowy motivations for an SCP.

<Gargus>: All takes on it, even yours.

<Gargus>: But the thing is… you can't just have that.

<Ninteen45>: So what else?

<Gargus>: What I see we have here is a machine that takes in people, puts them into itself, and occasionally communicate with the outside world.

<Gargus>: Am I correct?

<Ninteen45>: The original intention, yes.

<Gargus>: And would I also be correct in assuming that whatever is driving the machine predates it, or has knowledge beyond what humans normally have?

<Ninteen45>: No.

<Ninteen45>: It's something inside the machine which has bastardized it's original intent.

<Ninteen45>: Think the sims

<Ninteen45>: Ran by a psycho.

<Gargus>: Right.

<Gargus>: I see where you want to go with this now.

<Gargus>: When you're reading drafts, it's not always clear at first, since there's always something lost between the original idea and the actual typing.

<Gargus>: So, let's see how we can work that.

<Gargus>: Because right now, your SCP only has the vaguest of implications about what you want to do, and since it works with other ideas, it's not scary, or thought provoing, or anything else.

<Gargus>: *provoking

<Ninteen45>: I did have a longer draft

<Ninteen45>: With an interview

<Ninteen45>: Here

<Ninteen45>: http://serperaet.wikidot.com/aac

<Gargus>: I saw that.

<Gargus>: And it's the same problem.

<Ninteen45>: okay

<Gargus>: You need to find that fine line between not explaining enough, and explaining too much.

<Gargus>: Make it so the reader knows what's going on, but doesn't have enough details about it.

<Gargus>: And what they do know, it will do one of three things.

<Gargus>: Scare them, provoke thought, or tug their heart strings.

<Gargus>: Oh, OK. Unrelated.

<Gargus>: So, let's talk about how to make this thing better.

<Gargus>: To start with. Containment procedures.

<Ninteen45>: ok

<Gargus>: If the Foundation knows that this thing is capable of doing such horrible things to people, and potentially trapping them forever, the containmen procedures should reflect that.

<Ninteen45>: It is however safe

<Gargus>: Safe doesn't mean that it's harmless.

<Ninteen45>: And the foundation only found out through testing

<Gargus>: But at the point in time your SCP is being published, do they know what it can do?

<Ninteen45>: They do now

<Gargus>: Then your containment procedures should show that.

<Ninteen45>: So I guess an addendum about testing being over might work?

<Gargus>: Also, congratualtions, Scuttlebutt.

<Gargus>: Something along those lines.

<Gargus>: See, what I'm thinking would work best, and this is entierly my opinion, is that the description gives you the idea of what it does, and the addendum show you to some extent how horrible it is.

<Gargus>: What do you think?

<Ninteen45>: Yes

<Ninteen45>: That's generally what I'd go for

<Gargus>: I like the concept of the interview.

<Gargus>: But the first one you showed me is lacking, and the second one is… narmy.

<Ninteen45>: The excerpts or the main one?

<Gargus>: Both.

<Ninteen45>: okay.

<Gargus>: See, the main interview has a few problems.

<Ninteen45>: For the excerpts interviews, I wanted to go uncanny valley

<Gargus>: And I like that.

<Gargus>: Maybe run with it being an effect of the machine.

Gargus snaps fingers.

<Gargus>: A series of interviews.

<Gargus>: Starting out with something similar to what the main one is.

<Gargus>: A traumatized soul only just learning what the machine does to it's inhabitants.

<Gargus>: And as the interviews wear on, they get worse and worse, till their humanity is sapped away…

<Gargus>: That way, you've got a double whammy.

<Ninteen45>: The reason the excerpts are uncanny is because I wanted "it" to pretend to be people, to lure them in.

<Ninteen45>: like let her in

<Gargus>: Hmm…

<Ninteen45>: !sea let her in

<Grape>: Ninteen45: SCP-384 - Let Her In - http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-384

<Gargus>: Careful. treading dangerous ground.

<Ninteen45>: The main narmy one is what the people actualyy are like

<Ninteen45>: Scared and truamatized.

<Gargus>: So… let's see.

<Gargus>: Perhaps… it starts out as the real people.

<Gargus>: And the person on the outside is engaged with them.

<Gargus>: Wants to help them.

Stuff about the thing taking over the convo for tension.

Stuff about the thing copying itself into bodies to continue collecting playthings…